| Solid |
[12 Aug 2004|02:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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great |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Who's the Boss theme, baby |
] |
Hey haven't written in awhile. This summer has been very fulfilling and wonderful and the computer has essentially lost its importance. Anyway, I just wanted to check in while I was around. For the last time because I don't want to falsely maintain a journal by having one but never writing in it. Sorry y'all!
Hmm there's not much really to say. I'm just writing for a certain closure. I don't think stages of life need closure, just certain feelings. And in terms of nostalgia for me, I've recently taken a liking to feeling as if life is just one long, great thing and that looking back is pointless. Because it's not looking back, it's just remembering what happened. Now, that might sound redundant -- but what I mean is that what's the difference between what happened 5 minutes ago and 5 years ago? There isn't. They aren't two different lives. And if there is any difference, because who you were was different, that's a good thing. Everything in your life happened for a reason and just because you felt a certain way back then, it doesn't mean you should feel that way in reminiscing. You can get somewhat fooled that how you felt in the past is the same as the future just because you remember it.
I don't know, I'm probably not even making sense. But for some reason I'm fine with that. I really like who I am, how my whole life as been, where it's going, etc. I don't think that the people who are reading this journal are those that I actually care about in the grand scheme of things. With one exception of my love Diana. Just as I closed my first journal after 10th grade and after I closed the second after the beginning of 12th grade, my state of life, mind, and future requires no use for this or no point essentially. High school was great, but again..It's now another memory. I won't look back sad, in that seldom moment when I'll look back. I just want to keep moving forward, and when I do look back, it will always be happy because of me. That's just my outlook. But again, it isn't my life or my focus anymore. Because people and things do change. It's so hard for me to explain and it's even harder for me to care. I can't even explain why I'm taking the time to write here. I guess I'm just rambling out loud. In any case, the other day I sat on a stoop near my house and saw a plane flying. That was life to me. Continuously moving forward. Not looking back on the trail I made. But when it does arise where I remember where I was at some points, I'll be doing just that. Remembering. Not somberly. And only happily in a fact of that its been my life. And I've loved and always will love living it, regardless of what I go through.
So college in 13 days. I've been independent for years now and I don't expect it to be much of an adjustment. The hardest thing will be leaving my Jasmine! Haha. She's been my baby for 10 years, nothing else compares to that. I know it'll be different and uplifting but I'm just ready to actually make it permanent. And to have more summers like this one. Seeing the friends, and especially awesome family, that I know I will be around for many years to come. Because this is what permanent, real world life feels like. I'm so close to my siblings and parents and nothing will ever break that bond. And next year, whichever boy out there gets my heart..I won't be vulnerable to you. If I may fall in love with you, I will love you, but I will never be vulnerable again. Love can make you weak in the knees and powerless, literally. You can argue that it's a good thing -- but at the same time, everything is explainable and everything can be attacked in a practical way. When I love, I want it to be practical. Explainable, rational, and wonderful. When your real emotions are in it, that's when it works best. That's love and that's how to find love. So yeah, ready for everything. Especially wrapping this up!
Anyway, I must say though that I've become quite the little gambler. I mean it must be the Texas Hold 'Em craze that's been hitting the US but every Monday (and many days in between at other places) myself, a friend or two of mine, my brothers, a few of my brothers friends, etc..head over to Babylon and compete in tournaments. Now, I know I'm not the best, but I've won about 200 dollars this summer in games I've played. Lol, and it's so damn fun! Brian, Chris, and I went out Monday to visit all of the wineries out east as well. I was the DD, and it was so hilarious having them drunk by time we left the 11th winery. Lol. I'll never forget this summer..or better yet, I'll never forget how now I've got it all together-and how it's not coming apart. This is life. And it will keep going on, and I'll keep living and loving it.
Anyway, I'm out. Just figured I'd toss one to my old homies. My memories, farewell. :) Happiness and success.
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| A night I will never forget |
[26 Jun 2004|04:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 jubilant |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Toby Lightman - Devils and Angels |
] |
Senior Prom was A-MAZING. I took so many memorable and hilarious pictures, I had the best time with the best date ;), I danced like craaazy which was surprising but awwwesome, the limo group was the best, I ate a lot :), I saw everyone I knew in HS and everyone looked very nice and was happy, I had the best time spending so much time with Nikki, Diana, Alisha, and Sindhu (my four prom girls! ;)), I was ecstatic that our limo had whiskey and vodka (mwuahahaha), and it was so much fun getting plastered and going on the cruise afterwards. I couldn't have imagined a better way for the night to go. So, another fabulous ending to high school! I'm ready for graduation and the food and parties afterwards. Then days with loves, a big vacation, lots of gym time, and lots of things that I'm itching to do before leaving for college--where I will tear it up and make my future a great one. Yeeea!
*Check out the pictures (All 88 of them!)! The link is on this site. :)
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| Just taking it with me now |
[20 Jun 2004|06:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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full |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Train - Calling All Angels |
] |
Things have gotten off to a slow start this summer because I've been taking full advantage of being able to sleep in. I was somewhat bothered by it a little recently but today my motivation has completely kicked in, as I expected, which is great. I never really worried about it because I know that I always realize my want overpowers the actual laziness in certain things. In this case, summer. I just called a gym and intend to do a $229 membership until Labor Day, which is pretty good. I've run for a while now but it really doesn't do much toning. I think that's for more of a losing-weight sort of exercise. I'm also getting the reading requirements from Syracuse in addition to the books I plan on reading myself this summer. I want to write a lot, and do all of the leisure things I've had in my mind to do, as well as taking care of my college responsibilities. I'm going away for a bit; so I want to make sure that every moment, as I try to do, I don’t take for granted.
The last day of high school was really nice by the way! Anything that was unresolved was resolved and washed away come senior countdown, everybody was happy, and it was a fulfilling end to say the least. I was glad because I then expected the same from prom and graduation, which I know should be laid back too.
College anticipation has been growing by the day. I'm definitely very excited for that. I want to work hard and play hard. I want with all of me to be successful so I have no doubt that I'll be able to balance it and do it well.
With my birthday money I've been treating myself to redoing my wardrobe, getting food, accessories, and things that I've been meaning to buy. I've found that a lot of the clothes I have aren't really me. So I'm redoing that and getting tons before college for sure.
Well I'm gonna run. Concluding, this quiz is very head-on!
| How to make a piecesofme1 |
Ingredients:
1 part success
5 parts crazyiness
3 parts instinct |
Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Top it off with a sprinkle of emotion and enjoy! |
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| My last entry as a high school student. |
[14 Jun 2004|05:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
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indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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John Mayer - Clarity |
] |
With all of the reminiscent entries about high school lately, I figured there wasn't a more fitting time to post. I'm not as sad as others appear to be about leaving. Throughout the last 4 years I've had many friendships, all of which have factored into who I am today. I'll never forget my endless memories with "the group", and I'll never forget how much I learned about others and about myself. A lot of the "group" friendships I've had are in the past, mostly because other people and myself have grown up and in our own different directions. I can't speak for everybody, also because I know this isn't true for all, but these years are the most I've ever grown up. When you're changing, the people around you change. So a lot of people I have already metaphorically said goodbye to. As for leaving what I have currently, I just like to think that those true friendships that you made out of this experience will be the ones that continue when it's all said and done. I'll take my good memories and cherish them, and I'll take my good friends and I'll cherish them even more. I'm not leaving anything but a stage in my life that I'm extremely ready to leave. Mainly because I want to meet new people with who and what I am today, people who are mature, sincere, confident, and vibrant, and because I want to start my independent life. I'm ready to make something of myself and to thrive with all of what I've learned in the last 18 years. I'm ready to meet somebody to have a long-term relationship with, and am certainly ready to leave what immaturity there is in high school that can seem unavoidable.
It's been a long journey. It's been a fun journey. It's been a journey in which I've changed a lot for the better, all thankfully before entering a period of my life that will probably define it more than high school could. It's been a journey that has taught me my love for my family, and for myself. One that as taught me what I want in people and how to be myself. It's been one in which I was able to identify, deny, hate, accept, grow too comfortable, but then fit just comfortable enough into my homosexuality. People have come and gone, and there are those that will remain. I just see it as all positives. It's positive by leaving all of the negatives, and it's positive by keeping all of the positives. High school, it was great. At times I didn't think I could beat you, but I did. I kicked your ass.
Now, my top eighteen memories of High School:
18- Skinnydipping at Elizabeth’s with she, Leanna, Adam, and I. Very interesting games and talk in the pool. ALSO the day where Sara, Alisha, and I went to Moriches and waited for the group to play softball. But instead this huge, hilarious and wild group of people (family/friends) asked us to play. "...Because I didn't blow him!"
17- Going to the Eclipse dance club with Courtney, Danielle, Sudha, and Davina and then sleeping over back at Sudha’s. Lechuga! It's Raining Men!
16- The Smithtown Day in which JTNS Creek was discovered, named, and swam in. With my Tammy, NicO (the Ally to my Andrew), and Sara!
15- Any one of the many parties that occurred last summer with my many ladies. Brittney and I being unbeatable beer pong partners and me realizing how much she could drink!
14- Diana’s Survivor. Running toward the camera, running up the huge hill with the blasting music and many people staring. Hysterical day. Also the many trips and train rides into the city with Nikki. "I'm going down!"
13- My Survivor! 3 people eliminated while taping and going all over the place. Very fun and original.
12- The day in which I went sleigh riding with Dan, Sarah, and her friend Jackie and hung out back at Dan's by the fireplace and discovered my Golden Girls.
11- Ocean City, Maryland last summer with Brittney, Nicole, Adam, Elizabeth, and Courtney. Too many memories to count.
10- My trip up to Cornell in April this year. <3Kelly, Janet, and a great college sneak preview and a closer relationship to my eldest brother and his long-term boyfriend Chris. Every day was something new and fun. One of the many reasons I can't wait for college.
9- My cousins wedding/my brothers graduation/and my birthday weekend this year. Got plastered, spent time with family, turned 18!, had tons of fun, and got tons of money. Can't ask for anything more!
8- Nicole’s New Years party a few years back. So much fun although really long ago!
7- Nicole's July 4th party a few years back. So much fun also. The group was really great.
6- Courtney’s New Years party or just any memory at Courtney's house in general. It was so new and exciting and it was her that made a lot of high school very fun and defineable.
5- The day at Smithtown Elementary in which the Ship Crew members Mauri, Noah, and Star were born. What wild imaginations.
4- The pool day at Steph’s where the “Sea Avengers” Sam, Jezzy, Julie, April, Violet, and Gidget were born. Playing Sam was my all time favorite role. And who can forget..."Sara Stollberger as...Jesus Christ!!"
3- Visiting my man Putts with Dan, Adam, and Jesse during one of the early high school summers in one of the many uptown walks made. Anyone who can inspire a short story for me to write is amazing.
2- Any one of my sleepovers with Adam that entailed Roller Coaster Tycoon, Ellio’s Pizza, running outside in the rain in the middle of the night just wearing boxers, going into random chats, Veronica/Victoria, or any one of the many brother-like memories.
1- Any one of the Friday’s in 9th grade where the entire group would go to AMF and the loft. Greattt times.
Wow, it’s so weird. In 2 hours I’ll be leaving for my last day of high school. And since I looked on [geministar] a bit to help me with my memories, it’s only reminded me of how different I am. Those 9th grade entries are so kid-like. I think since we’re still in high school, we can tend to feel we are still very close to who that person was. But that’s way in the past, as are these times that have converted to great memories, and as will be high school after today. I'm still not sad, but after reminiscing I was definitely hit hard with how all of what has happened in this chapter of my life will officially close today. But again, I'm ready to move on.......as who I am as. Much love and farewell!
the rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain.
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| June 1st night |
[02 Jun 2004|12:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
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complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Maria Mena - You're The Only One |
] |
This weekend was such a wonderful weekend, and it was all capped off by my 18th birthday! I figured there wasn't a better occasion to fill y'all in.
I'll start off just by saying that I couldn't be happier, or more content, I think. There's just something whole about where I'm standing right now: I've worked very hard to become who I am today, and to be where I am today. Everything in my life is very genuine, my surroundings and most importantly myself, and I love that. I have some great family and some friends I know that I will keep for years beyond leaving, and right now is a culmination of everything that I've wanted prior. Working hard to achieve success is a big thrill for me, and I've done that with things and will only continue to in all of my future. For the next few months, before college begins, I have a lot of plans and a lot of work to do and everything will be spectacular. But when I think about it, it's just nice, yet chilling, to realize that right now is where what I worked for for 18 years begins. With the next few months, followed by four years, and then grad school and a career all planned in my route from this very day, it's the ultimate launch pad. And I'm glad to be who I am standing at this point. It's my launch pad into using who I am now and utilizing what I know into building the wonderful life that I want for myself. It's an unrealistic thought, but the time is here.
Anyway, aside from my mushy ramblings, back to the weekend. I spent some quality time with Diana on Friday, which I love, and Saturday and Sunday I had a wedding, a graduation, my first limo ride, a trip into the gorgeous upstate, and my first time getting bombed at a wedding (oh boy was THAT fun). Monday I celebrated my birthday by eating a lot (my mother knows how to prepare a party. she is a living after-result of a queereye makeover). It was a lovely weekend. And on Friday I also took a surprisingly delightful trip to the library to run an errand, but I wound up browsing and came across three great books about law schools, and careers in journalism and for writers. To be honest, I think law is going to be my pursued route. I love writing, but I definitely see it as more of a hobby now, which is just as good. Anyway, I never realized how much I liked going to the library. I was going to take out some non-fiction books, but I promised to make it more of a promise to myself for the summer to read a lot. And I know it won't be one of those unfulfilled ones. :)
To conclude, today was my birthday! It feels unreal to be 18, especially after watching my kindergarten circus video earlier. I love it though. I loved childhood, and now I'm enjoying being ready to begin adulthood. In a lot of ways, lately I know that I've already begun, which is very good.
So the birthday was nice! I took care of some things for Syracuse, I got a lot of love from friends and family, a lot of money, and I took the car out and spent some time with Diana for a bit. We went out to dinner and she gave me such an adorable, precious gift! So creative Di! And by the way, what we searched for afterwards, I wound up just coming online and having my dad order it! Lol. You'll come over soon, maybe on poem day, and we'll play it! ;) <3
Alright I'm done filling your screen with my inner joys. I know it can seem inane to "deaf" ears..But this is life now, and this is me. Love it or leave it baby ;).
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| Last Times and First Times: My contentment canvas |
[09 May 2004|05:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Fantasia of AI3 - It's a Miracle |
] |
Today is Mother's day and I must say that I have the best mother alive. Both of my parents are just irreplaceable. My dad is hilarious and incredibly young at heart. He's a lot of fun and good to talk to. My mother is also good to talk to and we're similar in a lot of ways. Her enthusiasm and aura are just contagious and endearing. She's so much fun and I love her tons. I love my family as much as I can anything.
I went to breakfast with everyone early this morning at the St. James Diner. It appears that every time I go there I see a new, hot, gay waiter. Haha.
Afterwards my mother and I went to the flower tents outside in St. James. They really do have the nicest flowers. She was sad that it was last time I would be able to do that with her<3. Afterwards we headed home and that's when I got all enthused.
We started looking at my Syracuse Prospectus, searching for Orientation dates, and exploring the whole university and city as a whole. I must say that it is simply perfect for me. I couldn't have written it better. It's right near a lake, parks, the scenery is gorgeous upstate, there's a stadium for concerts, they have a huge stadium and a nationally ranked NCAA basketball team, and the campus and city are huge. My building, the College of Arts and Sciences, is right smack in the middle of the campus and it's right in front of the "Quad" as they call it up there! The quad is the meeting of all of the walkways around campus that meets in the center forming a quad-like shape. Also in the center there, the main part, is the bookstore and the main building. The dorms are also very nice and there are so many to choose from. Looking at all of this stuff earlier just got me so excited! Today I think it actually hit me that I'm gonna be able to leave and start my independent life up there for four years. It's a nice, mature, responsible, and excited feeling and every time I do something down here I keep thinking it may be the last. It's not really sad for me though, everything is just very well.
Also, since dorming is mandatory for freshman and sophomore years, for junior year when I live off of campus you're allowed to have pets. So in two years and a short amount of months when I'm a junior, I'm going to take my adorrrable cat Jasmine up there to come live with me!
It's also cool because next year my sister is going to SUNY Cortland, which is like..only 30 minutes away from Syracuse. All you have to take is I-81 North from Cortland and Ithaca even (although my brother is leaving this year) to get there. So I'm sure I'll be seeing a bit of her while at college!
Ahh and the excitement begins!!
So BIG test on Tuesday for me. I'm taking the College Chem course (which is sponsored by Syracuse) so this is essentially my first college course because the credits will be immediately accepted by the school. Whereas in other schools the credits may not be accepted and other people didn't pay for the credits. I need at least a 30/40..which in this class..VERY hard. I'll be studying my butt off all night tonight and all day tomorrow. *Crosses fingers*
Alright I'm out! Orangemen '08 !
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| Amazing |
[06 May 2004|04:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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ecstatic |
] |
Great news today! I had sent in my deposit to New Paltz and was preparing to go to school cheap for a year and then transfer to a more reputable university afterwards, essentially because I had gotten waitlisted at Syracuse. But I got called a week + early today from Syracuse and was accepted off of the waitlist!
So until 2008 I'll be up there studying at the College of Arts and Sciences doing the communications/journalism kinda thing. Can't wait!
And again things are too good to bother getting all analytical to write here. Peace out, and happy 18th to me in a mere 26 days! Wooohoo!
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| A good one |
[02 May 2004|02:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ben Jelen - Every Step |
] |
I've got nothing to prove to anybody. I don't know why people feel that they ever do. We all learn certain things at different times though. I'm just going to keep being who I am, and it'll be rewarding.
So screw all of that Josh.
Things have been pretty calm lately, and I like them like that. Very interpersonal, relaxing, and genuine. It's because I'm just focusing on working hard, and on what's true aside from that.
I can't believe it's May already. Usually at this point in the year, it gets so exciting to realize that school is nearly done. For some reason I haven't felt that it's so close to being over with! Thinking about how it is gets me excited though.
through the dark, make a start, and we'll leave this all behind.
lose the time, free our mind, and well build a paradise.
Ah, things are too good to write here. It's all inside, and without thinking about it so hardly/stupidly, it so easily projects outside. I'm out!
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| I love Nature |
[29 Apr 2004|10:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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refreshed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Granian - The World |
] |
Now listen y'all..
Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want.
Then- post this to your journal and see what people remember of you.
I want EVERYONE that reads this to COMMENT WITH SOMETHIN. I can think of tons, ya hear? I'm curious to the ones that you remember so that I can relive them again too.
In general now, things are great. The week has been cool and working, and this weekend will be very nice. Some BINGO, quality time with my bro and mother, and a Nature Hike with a digital camera. Hopefully I can manage gettin one of those pages up. Very excited for the hike! It's gonna be the shit!!
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| Built my land with a steel surface. Endless ladders. |
[26 Apr 2004|12:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
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complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Elton John - Someone Saved My Life Tonight |
] |
Back so soon! :)
Just had some free time before taking care of some things and then heading to bed. I don't care how late I go to sleep because I get to leave at 11 tomorrow to be the sponsor to my cousin Matt in his Confirmation. So exciting! Plus, the partay afterwards should be a lot of fun as always back at their house.
Anyway, this weekend was great! On Friday I took a nap right after coming home at 2:30. I <333 naps. They're so refreshing. As I discussed with Sean, sometimes naps feel so much nicer than actual sleep. Anyway, after that I made some plans and took the camaro out to go to the mall and carnival with Nikki and Diana. Normally, I don't think it would be all that fun..but since I was with them it was a lot of fun, just because of how we all are, lol. The highlight: Either shooting 5 feet off of the twisty slide and landing on our asses (and me flying into some woman), or Nikki desperately craving lemonade. Hahaha.
Saturday was great too. I went to the mall with the mother! She and my dad bought me a new shirt and two pairs of shorts at AE. Yay, summer clothes. If the weather is cold anymore like it was today though, I'm going to...hmm, what can you do to weather? Whatever! Also, with how it's been lately the hike is verrry imminent, and even the beach.
Later on, Eddie and I went over to Sara's house and did everything. Foosball, Mario Party (cough*Champion*cough :) ), Guess who!, Treadmill, Hilarious comedy skit while Eddie and Sara made food, singing with Eddie for Joan, Super Smash Brothers, and playing many different games in the hot tubbb until realizing it was 2:30 am. You know I love ya sis!
I made some new prom plans with Nik that I'm really happy with, and things have been really good with me in many ways. Friends, school-wise, my future..it's all doing very well and I don't see any signs of slowing down.
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| A wonderful peace |
[23 Apr 2004|01:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Josh Kelley - Everybody Wants You |
] |
Hellloooo (in the Seinfeld voice, great show!). Figured I'd drop a line since it's been awhile.
Since I've last written
~Spring break was awesome. Saw a lot of good people, did a lot of fun things.
~My week visit to Cornell was indescribable. College life is amazing, Cornell is amazing/breathtaking, my brother and his friends were great (Kelly and Janet particularly!), and I sorted a lot of thoughts/learned a lot of things. Nothing wasn't great about the visit and the break!
~I am protesting watching American Idol because Jennifer Hudson was eliminated. She better get a record deal.
~I am living in a way in which I have worked to get to for a very long time and I'm loving it..it's a very comfortable niche.
~I decided to go to college at either New Paltz or Syracuse. Most likely New Paltz, because it's cheap, fun, and I'm certain that I'll do very well. Plus, the area is gorgeous. The plan is though to only go there for a year, get my grades up even higher, and then apply to some reach schools (ideally Cornell) and get more money out of them than I would have now. I'm really optimistic and excited with my plans regarding college right now, so "yeah" (how you apparently say "yay" according to Sara. ;) ).
Things are definitely great, and I'm certain it will stay consistent, so I'm very excited for that as well.
Ah, while up at Cornell, I discovered some great artists and recalled some great songs from the past as well. Ben Jelen, Josh Kelley, and Granian are awesome, check em out! I have to buy the Ben Jelen and Josh Kelley albums the next time I get to Borders. Maybe I'll stop there this weekend.
I better be off to get some sleep, although I took a four hour nap today, and finish up the rest of my homework. Hot tubbing and MP this weekend, and hangin with my Lizzy and Ambah (or just Nikki and Diana :) ), along with some other great things. "YEAH" :)
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| Just me |
[02 Apr 2004|12:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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optimistic |
] |
I haven't had a real, quality entry in quite some time..but hey, what are ya gonna do?
So tomorrow is the last day of school before a 12 day break. For most people, it's 11, but on the returning Wednesday I'm heading into NYC for a production of King Lear and a pre-paid dinner with a bunch of other seniors..Particularly <3Tammy, Jackie, and Steff. It's gonna be a good time. Stephy R, are you goin?
Marky Mark in his prime was my perfect man, physically. Hair, smile, body, *****. The top four, right there. Who's having sex with him now? Or better yet, back then? I'm jealous.
I'm up extraordinarily late on the last night before the quarter ends getting loads of things worked on. It seems everything is going on tomorrow. Shit.
So yeah, college is well. I have it down to Hartford or New Paltz. If Syracuse gets back to me on May 15th with a "yes, you are officially in," then I'll be going there without a doubt. But as of now it's down to UHa and NP. I'm going with communications/journalism intentions, and with intentions of going to law school after my four years. Of course there's still my Big City plans, but we'll see how everything falls into place when undergrad wraps up in '08. ;) Life really is wide open right now either way. SO excited.
Speaking of UHa, I will be leaving for Hartford on Saturday morning for a days visit. We'll see how it goes! Actually, my dad and I are trying to plot a route so that we can hit both UHa and NP in a days work. That would be nice.
Tomorrow will hopefully be a little time with Nikki and Diana. I love them! ..I definitely want to see a lot of different people over the next two weeks.
Contact me this vacay for a little lovey lovey, eh?
The end of senior year/this summer is going to be amazing..amen. College, even better. Up, up, and away.
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| That's it. |
[01 Apr 2004|05:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
George Huff - Dock of the Bay |
] |
I don't want to say things that I want to do anymore, I just want to do them.
That goes for everything, and this isn't a somber or angry feeling I'm writing behind or anything. It basically seems at times though that I feel and think a lot...but write it down, for instance, rather than get it done. I think that putting it down on paper or something makes you feel a certain level of accomplishment. I don't want to cheat or fool myself like that.
I want to make this a conscious and natural thing.
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| Watching yourself back, and smiling. Take it from there.. |
[29 Mar 2004|12:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
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rejuvenated |
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I couldn't possibly match my feelings with words right now, but since I haven't written in awhile I figured I'd quickly try. :)
This weekend was extremely fun. I had my acting debut in "The Story of Hermes" and it was just hilarious. Everybody in the cast had such an amazing chemistry, and shooting a movie is probably one of the funnest things ever. Danielle (Maia), Brian (Hermes), and myself (Apollo) had quite a lot of fun shooting it. The movie, and the outtakes are just priceless. Thanks to Elizabeth for the fabulous opportunity :). Additionally, lots of pool, singing, dancing, just being "zany!", tetris, just hanging with Elizabeth, Brian, Danielle, Angela, Michelle, etc.., and talking to Michey and Sara on the phone tonight made this weekend nice.
Everything in general though is just going fabulously. There comes a point when you stop analyzing what is and just act and feel comfortable living (at which I point I believe you stop writing in your livejournal, lol). You're just able to feel and act like (and truly be happy as) yourself, and things just really come together. There are currently some bumps such as prom planning, although things are rolling somewhat, and it appears that it is going to be a wonderful time, especially since Nikki and I are just sitting back and watching everybody else plan it, lol.
..
There's also that annoying anticipation for those last two college admissions letters that are your top two colleges. GRR!! I already am into New Paltz, Hartford, and Oswego though, and I'm going off to Connecticut this Saturday to visit Hartford more in depth. New Paltz would be a great back up too because it's cheap, it's offering me an overseas educational program opportunity in London, and Michelle's going. Oswego as well is giving me $2,000 in addition to the low tuition so all three are nice fits behind my top two schools that I have yet to hear from. So, I am at ease with the college situation. Either way, as I said to Sara tonight, the real exploration will begin after college when we roomie together in either NYC or LA. :) Haha, college will be great though, and any of the four schools that are left on my list I'd be thrilled to go to, so :). Next year and so on will be amazing. Next year really is the first year of the rest of my life.
Despite the anticipation and the planning, there really aren't any loose blocks. So I feel secure in that I can start to accomplish the things that I want to do but haven't been able to. i.e.: exercising on a daily basis, reading more often, taking up yoga, singing lessons, and just getting the motivation to do everything you feel like. I don't know, I just felt such a clarity after this weekend, and again, I'm not very articulate.
That clarity is great though. And it basically sums up my life right now. So, cheers! To more fun, happiness, and success.
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| Song Recording |
[25 Mar 2004|10:42pm] |
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Alisha now has a journal, so be sure to add her everybody!
pigface_nutopia
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| A perfect outlook |
[12 Mar 2004|01:47pm] |
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mood |
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grateful |
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Kimberley Locke - Eighth World Wonder |
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I'm feeling really good today.
After a great night and a nice start today, I've understood that making motivation second nature, being true to yourself while being yourself, and living without any outside influence or pressure is what enables, for me at least, natural relaxing and making life take me as I come.
I'm very excited for this spring, this summer, and college. :)
I'm not all the way there yet, but I feel confident about what I'm doing.
I wasn't at senior banquet last night, but I just wanted to say hi to everybody that I've had the pleasure of being friends with in my high school experience that went. I'm feeling more optimistic about prom than usual as well; I want to make it a celebration of what I've accomplished and learned here, along with the people I've known, with no pressure/stress/or tension whatsoever. I will, I know that. Hmm, I really know that whatever I'm setting out to do, I can. And I love that.
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| It's about.. |
[08 Mar 2004|11:51pm] |
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mood |
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different |
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Desiree - Gotta Be |
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Sometimes you just have to avoid analyzing how certain things are, in order for them to come together. By the way, thanks to Michelle for Saturday and everybody else that stopped by. Texas Hold 'em tournaments are always fun. Also, I've really come to like and respect Craig a lot too, which is great.
Speaking of Michelle, congratulations on getting in to New Paltz!! Love you :)
I was a bit down a few days ago, and what's ironic was that it was because of a movie that I sat down and watched, Object of my Affection. And I NEVER watch movies. It was a great movie, and Paul Rudd is ridiculously cute as a gay guy. The emotions that it stirred though was what had me depressed. However, several things cheered me up. Michelle. Late night trips to the swings. Several realizations. And waking up Sunday morning in a completely optimistic mood.
Things are very well lately, and I'm not going to hope..I'm going to make sure that they continue to rise. :)
I won 10 bucks yesterday in another Texas Hold 'em tournament. Oh yes. I without a doubt plan on going to Las Vegas sometime after I turn 21 to gamble and hopefully enter some kind of a tournament. Las Vegas just screams, "a hell of a time."
Damn, why'd the weather tease us by getting so nice, and then turning into winter misery again? Urgh.
I'm voting for Ralph Nader. Bush, that loathesome creature, will never get my vote directly. As for Kerry, I just don't trust him. I cannot see this man as the leader of our country. Nor do I want to. Nader is of course too extreme, and will not win. However, I do like him the most. I will apparently be indirectly helping Bush, and I don't want to. I think moreover I'm going to research a bit on Kerry sometime to see if my confidence grows in him.
Pending we finally get our new car soon, I will be able to interview for a job down on Jericho Turnpike: An office assistant at a law office. I called today and said I'd call to actually schedule an appointment when I have more information. I would LOVE a job like this, so I hope it all works out, and soon....on both accounts of a job and a car.
Was anybody else aware that DJ's old boyfriend on Full House, Steve, did the voice of Aladdin? Hmm, who knew?
Mark Paul Gosselaar, what a handsome man. Has anybody seen him older? Quite a good looking guy. Blonde was cute for him as a teen, but I'll tell you the brown is completely working for him now.
OH, Desiree, how you inspire me. Old school can be fabulous. I recovered some Oasis as well.
Well, alllllll of my weeks worth of thoughts have been poured. By the way, after some struggles last week I repeat, things are really on the up. :) I have to keep pushing them.
Thine evermore, most dear gentleman, whilst this machine is to him, Josh.
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| No fake motivation |
[02 Mar 2004|04:48pm] |
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mood |
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 rushed |
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Latoya London/Celine Dion - All By Myself |
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Well hellllo. Today again I didn't make it to school. It's just not a priority or anything. Haha, joking...I hope to start making it on more of a daily basis. In any case I have gotten a lot done today and hope to continue doing so before the day is out. Days go so fast, man.
It's March now: the month of the college! 1 heard from, 6 to go. *excited*
Although I don't care much about any senior event, including senior banquet (which is probably terrible of me), if you're unsure of who to vote and need to put somebody down for Most Fashionable...be sure to put me down. ;)
Haha, actually Tammy and I displayed our uninterest in the entire thing when we voted us for every single category in chem yesterday. We even put me for sweetest ride, despite the fact that I don't have a car. Hahaha.
Diana I like the new icon. Pretty :)
Big ups to the mayor of New Paltz for standing besides his personal moral duty and marrying gay couples. Criminal charge, schmarge..people love you.
Well today is Super Tuesday. Although I am a registered voter, I am not registered under a party yet. I definitely am a democrat, but unless you're registered as a democrat by today you basically can't vote. Those who do and are, vote for Edwards. I frankly don't like any of the candidates this year, sadly. But Edwards is the lesser of all of the evils. Go John Edwards!
New layout. Actually, just a new picture and background&font color. I do still need to get my box and pattern back up, though.
I want to get into politics a bit when I'm older. But let's not get into life goals. I have about 874. A good thing no doubt :)
3 months left of school. Damn. 3 months ago was just like right before Christmas. I think I can make it! Yesss.
Hike soon, hike soon, hike soon. The gorgeous weather better remain consistent.
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| On the up |
[24 Feb 2004|09:46pm] |
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 anxious |
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Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities |
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Hey y'all. Yeah, I'm not from the south or anything, but I reeeally like saying "y'all." It used to sound like a hick word, however, now it just trips off of the tongue like sweet butter.
Pardon my delirium. I've had a 102 fever for the past two days and have swollen glands and a terrible sore throat. :( I miss far too much school. Yet, I still don't care all that much. It's senior year, and as long as my work gets simply done, I'm fine. College, where are you anyhow??
Well Bush has officially supported a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Definitely a little upsetting. I'll never have a hubby :( It's just a sad thought. All opposers argue that it's an extreme infringement on the institution of marriage and that marriage as we know it must be preserved or something. Love is love. Man, that's just bullshit.
Did Latoya London just rock the fucking American Idol stage or what?! Holy shit. I don't know if it's my sickness, but I just cried like mad. Lol, insannnnnity. I liked a lot of them. I hope Amy or Leah gets in behind her because they were the next best. Wow, Latoya, that was nuts.
New icon. :) I was so excited my dad went out and got a digital camera. I've always thought having a picture of yourself was stupid, but so many people do it nowadays, and it was as if I wasn't "with the times." Lol, in any case I like it.
Well my brother Eddie will be 20 tomorrow. I'm the youngest of four, and it's so weird, we're all so old. Yikes. I can't believe my brother, who's only two years older than I am, is turning 20. Life isssss fast. Wow. I liked childhood, however, I also like adulthood, whether or not the transition is fully complete.
Though I'm sick, things are well. :) Although I've been kind of mean in some senses by taking action on straying away from people whom I don't enjoy in my life, I feel like those actions are for the best. It's all about making decisions, and not forcing yourself to deal with obnoxious individuals that you don't enjoy simply because you've known them for awhile.
I hope that I'm okay by Friday so that I can drink a little. I'll let y'all know (those I mentioned it to), if or if not I'm going to do it.
Wellllll I should be off. I'm gonna go rest. Love thy neighbor.
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| Maturity now; there: others and you. |
[18 Feb 2004|07:00pm] |
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Sometimes I forget that love is marriage, because I'll tell myself that I'm going to marry a woman because it's easier. That, and just lately I've lost a lot of belief in a loving relationship. It's okay though, I know that high school is a stupid place to found such hopelessness. I still have good feeling that I'll meet somebody away from Smithtown. And not just anybody. I know what I'm looking for, which definitely makes it somewhat more difficult. In any case, thank you to anybody who has supported equal gay rights, because having to be gay is one thing...but having to face question and hate is another. Love is marriage. <3
Lately I've found that "erasing" the people and things that bring negativity to your surroundings by focusing less on drama and more on the great friendships and positivity in your life is quite effective. I think that it is a very important life lesson to learn. You're never taught to immediately leave or break away the things that drag you down. That's typically because some of those things also have positives, but you have to realize that any negativity is just unnecessary, and move on.
Last night was much fun with Alisha, Sara, and Marie at AMF. We took ridiculous pictures and just acted nuts. All of them are irreplaceable<3
Well I'm off to grab some dinner, and then to hang out with Rose. Love y'all and love yourselves!
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